Been raining in Berlin. If I could weave rain...

                  Call me romantic if you wish. Uncertainty and open ended- ness. Jeremy Blake.

This past week I had to read extensively about US Feminist art of the 70's....so after embracing the radical artistic approach of artists like Cindy Sherman, Carolee Shneeman, Judy Chicago and  Ana Mendieta I definitely felt empowered but totally overwhelmed by body art and gender transfiguration. Also, a few weeks ago I went to see !Women Art Revolution- a movie any female artist or non-artist should see. So, now I'm sitting here feeling absolutely boring and needing to achieve something revolutionary because these fearless remarkable women once fought for my current rights and carefree existence. Although, it is true that we still live in a man-dominated society even in this fast-forward 21st century...Just recently I questioned my mother (who has always been extremely independent, demanding and achieved woman, a professional, a mother, and a wife) about Feminism in Bulgaria. It seems to be even more complicated there as Socialism and Communism seemingly brought equality through cooperative labor but actually that managed to only double the female responsibility as a traditional housewife and a full time worker.... Such a shame (!!!)since historically Feminism followed Marxism as a doctrine...plus one of the most acclaimed contemporary feminist writers was born Bulgarian-Julia Kristeva (of course-currently living in France since the mid-60's).

Anyway, today while trying to overcome my insignificance in the historical female world I thought I should just have fun. And there it is (laugh at me if you want): two iconic songs that both could be considered soft-core feminist:

Lili Ivanova "Bez Radio ne Moga" (I Can't Live without Radio) 1969- the whole point of the song is really how girls just want to have fun...Honestly, I have no idea why there are all these chickens in the video!
Lili has been singing since the 60's in Bulgaria and internationally...today she is 72 and looks like a suspiciously glamorous human being who needs to accept the fact of aging...

Cyndi Lauper- Girls Just Want to Have Fun, 1983. Well- the title says it all here and pop culture helps to make it a lot more colorful and crazy...

One of many songs I sang at multiple locations in Savannah, GA trying to establish a daily practice. This particular one is called Trugna Racho Kapitana (Capitan Crab Went Sailing). It is a Bulgarian children's song and this is a rough English translation:

So went on Capitan Crab to sail over the ocean
on a ship, on a ship                                                                     x2

Chorus:   Capitan Crab went with 300 crabs
               With 300 experienced sailors                                       x2

Suddenly they saw something big moved in the ocean
Before their eyes appeared a shark, a shark
It flapped his big back fin
Then held Crab the Capitan's mustache:
"Where are you headed you bold capitan?"

Chorus:   Capitan Crab went with 300 crabs
               With 300 experienced sailors                                       x2

So went back Capitan Crab
Fear took over him
He looked back again for his land
Sailing are 300 crabs, 300 crabs with mustache
Capitan Crab- with no mustahce!

Chorus:   Capitan Crab went with 300 crabs
               With 300 experienced sailors                                       x2

    It has been my passion to look for four-leaved clovers since I was a child. I was and still am very successful in finding them. My grandmother, whose name I carry, is too. I have an album full of four-leaved clovers from all kinds of places. Just recently for the first time I analyzed my pleasure of spending time on a clover field. I thought it might be worth writing it down:

                                                                              *      *      *

You  pick an area of the clover field and concentrate on it. Your eyes run through the clovers easily and happily. It is pure meditation. It is sweet delight. It is a reward. Just looking at these beautifully rounded leaves and their subtle vein pattern…Clovers are so quiet. They just stay rooted in the soil and you hardly ever realize when they move, grow and even bloom. You want to possess that treasure field of thin, soft, green coins. Poetic possession. A clover field is inviting. It is seducing. It is romantic but truly realistic. You are in charge of your own actions, you are in charge of your own success but the clovers make the spectacle possible. They are the basic component.  They subordinate you; they make you obedient, they make you want them more and more.  When you choose to look for a single four-leaved clover in a field of hundreds three-leaved clovers, you put yourself in a minor position. It is this pleasurable masochistic act that you can never give up. The endless amount of three leaved clovers is the most interesting phenomenon. They are simply magical. You dive in the field of three-leaved clovers as it is the eternal ocean. You want to get lost in it. You want it to be stronger than you. You want it for a long time and you want it denser. Only because your hopes grow with time. You wonder how the three-leaved clovers feel like.  Are they happy they are so many and identical? They can communicate on equal basis; they share the same need for nutrition.  Are they miserable that they are so many and identical? They probably feel pathetic.  Either way they are delightful. The asymmetrical set of a three-leaved clover has been planned and executed by nature with spectacular mastery. You wonder why you would ever choose to look for a four-leaved clover if the three-leaved ones are so many and so unique even in their multiplicity. You can easily convert the aim of the process in your head and look only for three-leaved clovers. You will always find them. They are just as good. They just happen to be many many more. Maybe you can find one that you somehow prefer from the rest. That would be a real find.  No bias.

Time and thoughts. Tempting new beliefs rising only because you are fully devoted to the tradition of the old belief. Finding a four-leaved clover is your goal. It is why you started this odd act. You will be disappointed if you walk away from the field without your trophy. Or you will part the clover ground quietly with the firm decision to continue another day. You leave with hope instead of the thing you were really looking for. The search is never over. Once you are a four-leaved clover searcher, you stay that way. It is a continuous process that is always the same no matter where, when and how you do it. It is always purely and quietly delightful. You know you will find that four-leaved clover as you have done it before. There is always one. It is there among the many three-leaved. It requires extreme attention. It requires respect. It is special. You probably scanned through its exact location but you skipped it. You need to spend time, to get better for it. You need to deserve it. It is rare so you can’t just have it fast and easy. You don’t want that anyway. Time passes, no results. That section of the field must be weak on lucky clovers. You move to the next one. New enthusiasm. You beware for false four-leaved clovers as the three-leaved once sometimes tangle up and create illusions. You know that you should not get too excited when you think you have found it as it may be deceptive. You don’t want to feel like a fool. You know very well what you are looking for. It is simple. So simple. You get anxious. It has been too long. Maybe this is a three-leaved colony and they kill the four-leaved once of jealousy. Maybe the soil is not good for the development of the extra fourth leaf. You blame time. You blame matter. You blame conditions. Maybe you are not good in this. You blame yourself. But you actually do not. You know by fact that there is a four-leaf clover there. You will find it sooner or later. You probably should try tomorrow. Now is not a good time. Time is of great importance. It relates to the mysterious variable called chance. Chance is nothing permanent or secure. Chance happens by chance. But chance is a fact. Facts are what we hold onto. Since you know about facts you know that you will find a four-leaved clover. There are variables in the process but there is no impossibility. There is no concrete failure. That suggests that there is no concrete success either. Since your goal is something symbolic your success is also only symbolic. You could leave this action with the material reward on hand but with nothing substantial in promise. You could walk away satisfied realizing how your satisfaction is a myth. Therefore your success is only a myth. You have always known that looking for a four-leaved clover is a deceptive act since the belief it is based on is truly deceptive. Still, you choose to do it. It is pure pleasure. Honest delight. Even if you find that clover, it would go into your album for ‘lucky’ clovers and you will forget about it. If you choose to frame it and be proud of it you are a hopeless poser. Such thing is cynical. The four-leaved clover itself is useless. But with all its uselessness it will exist till its matter completely dries out and dissolves. You may have believed that it brings something special when you were a child but now you know for fact that it does not. But you will not stop looking for more four-leaved clovers. You don’t even care about them. But you have grown to care about symbolic uselessness. You surrender in it. You lose yourself in symbolic uselessness and you enjoy it. You have made it a realistic ritual. Maybe it always was one but people never said so. But they knew so. People put abstract belief before knowledge. It’s fascinating. It is fascinating because they are right. There is no firm knowledge. Something is as much a symbol as it is not. You make things symbolic as you put yourself in action to find them and understand them. But you cannot possibly understand things. You only can keep wondering. You can choose how to maneuver between symbolic uselessness and symbolic usefulness. It is a creative uncertainty. It is a divine moment when the four leaved clover appears before your eyes. You know you are the deity and you know that you are mortal.

                                                                      Fabric vs. Fabric

Being back.

Meeting an old friend.

Late like usual.

He and  a book.

Small coffee shop. Small table.

Illustrations. Decoration. Music. People.

The moment of recognition. Private second. Quick surprise.

Hi. Hey. Smiles.

Generic questions.

A drink. Sure. 

So…

There. Then. Now. Later. What. Where. How.

Development. Difference. Direction. Uncertain. Or. Certain.

People. Places. Things. Ideas. Possibilities. Maybes. Wants. Hopes. Unknowns. Stories.

Never finished.

Continuity in a conversation.

Looks and honesty.

Agreement. Comfort in words.

Light but Serious.

His confidence. The voice. Intonation. Composition. Clarity.

Current situations.

Delight in transitions.

My wonders.

Air.

My songs.

Objects and subjects. Confusion.

Non-logic. Not- knowing. Doing. Undoing.

Existent. But why.                

Time. Mind. Work.

Art.

Sensing. Knowing. Living.

Not words.

Never words.

Being. Letting.

LUMEN: International Video and Performance Art Festival. July 25, Staten Island, NY

Artist Kazue Taguchi's piece that won my admiration. Please check her website to see her light games: http://www.kazuetaguchi.com/